These are 18 pieces of the weirdest car merch for sale today

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If you didn’t know it, there’s big money to be made in selling luxury vehicles. The profit margins on supercars is not-small, as their seven-figure price tags might suggest, and their buyers typically don’t cheap out on the options, either.

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Those buyers are also sometimes inclined to purchase matching merchandise to complement their cars. Fitted luggage, branded clothing, all of the typical automotive accessories you might expect can usually be found in most premium carmaker’s stores. But sometimes they get a little weird, and out there, too.

Take, for example, the just-announced Bugatti Chiron Blue Sapphire Crystal timepiece, from Jacob & Co. Sure, Bugatti is far from the only luxury marque to market an automotive-inspired watch chronograph, but the wristwear you’ll see its rivals offer likely don’t include a miniature fully-functional replica of the Chiron’s W16 engine, jammed full of 51 jewels and encased in a sapphire crystal housing. The tourbillon timepiece costs a cool US$1.5 million, or you can get it sans jewels for just US$280,000.

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That’s actually one of the less-weird items we found for sale via some high-end automakers’ online accessories catalogs.

Lamborghini iXoost Esavox speaker dock: US$25,870

Want your tunes to sound as melodious as the exhaust note of your Murcielago? This speaker dock from iXoost is the only way to go. Heck, it even looks like the back end of your Murcie.

The speakers feature a “monocoque chassis in carbon fiber, polymerised in autoclave at 6 bar,” as well as “bass reflex pressure control [and a] passive shock absorber system to dampen vibrations of the speakers.” Just like the V12 supercar in your driveway, the start button hides under a jet-fighter-inspired toggle-switch cover. Before you pull the trigger on one of these, be forewarned it’ll be hand-assembled specifically for you—and that means no returns.

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Lamborghini candles by Culti Milano: US$54 (CDN$70)

If you’ve ever wondered what a Lamborghini smells like, we’ve got an answer for you: “a citrus opening of grapefruit and bitter orange that turns into fresh and lively notes when it reaches the heart of vetiver and bergamot, finishing in an enveloping breath of cedar and sandalwood.” You were probably going to say something silly like gasoline and alcantara, weren’t you?

Well, go stick your head in the garage. If there are any of Lamborghini’s new candles, by Culti Milano, in there, you’ll find the “energetic and bold” aroma described above to be much closer to the scent in the room. The square, 210-gram candles – announced early February 2022 – come painted white with the logos of the two brands in Bronzo Zenas, an actual Lambo supercar hue.

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Lamborghini wheeled suitcase by Tecknomonster: US$10,550 (CDN$13,796)

Nobody likes lifting a heavy suitcase into the back of their Urus, which is why Lamborghini has applied its supercars’ carbon-fibre construction techniques to these lightweight suitcases. These handmade pieces of luggage are indeed designed to fit specifically into the trunk of the company’s SUV, so woe to you if you plan on just schlepping them into some limousine boot.

The Aurum Executive suitcase comes with a calfskin liner, and is available only in unpainted carbon-fibre—not that you’d want to cover that beautiful weave up anyway, right?

Bugatti heated razor by GilletteLabs: US$179 (CDN$219)

While you might expect Lexus to be more likely to pair with a shaving company on a branded product, it was Bugatti that bit the bullet and struck up a partnership with Gillette to offer a heated razor in late 2021. “Just as each Bugatti embodies the incomparable driving experience, this ultra-precise razor was developed not just to shave, but to create the utmost luxury at-home shaving experience,” is how Gary Coombe, CEO, Procter & Gamble Grooming, put it.

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The tool is based on the same heated razor Gillette’s been selling since 2018, but made from lightweight aluminum-zinc inspired by the anodized aluminum and titanium trim inside the Chiron Pur Sport, finished in “Bugatti Agile Bleu.” Take note: just two sets of the disposable blades are included.

Bugatti scooter by Bytech International

Speaking of razors, Bugatti had a go for “most surprising partnership” at CES 2022 in January when it revealed it was working with New York-based Bytech International, a company that makes electric scooters. Jokes about it being the hypercar-maker’s first EV did abound, but the also-available-in-Bugatti-Agile-Bleu magnesium-framed two-wheeler will crack a respectable 30 km/h.

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The foldable e-scooter’s 0.36-kWh battery gives it about 35 km of range, and when it’s out of juice, it folds up so you can carry it. Bugatti’s yet to release pricing details, but has noted it will only be made available to U.S. customers.

Bugatti baby bag: US$209

Because “that may as well be a thing,” Bugatti’s official store will sell enthusiasts a baby bag with the marque’s logo printed all over it. Made from 100-per-cent polyester and finished in white, blue, and red details, the bag pairs nicely with the baby overalls the company will also sell you. The bag is, surprisingly, not a first for a premium marque—years ago, Lamborghini also had an officially licensed diaper bag, too.

Bugatti pool table by IXO Carbon: US$300,000

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A recent press release proudly parading Bugatti’s numerous brand partnerships – we’ve left LEGO Technic kits and Viita smartwatches off our list – was headlined by this handmade pool table, the first of a limited run of 30, completed late 2021. Spain’s IXO Carbon manufactures the high-tech carbon-fibre-titanium-and-leather tables, which includes a “Leveling Manual System, allowing the table to remain perfectly flat if installed on a yacht,” and “an artificial vision camera […] to keep track of scores.”

Like the baby bag, this sort of collaboration isn’t unprecedented: circa 2015, Audi came out with its own branded foosball table, for some reason or another.

Maybach ‘The Medwakh’ pipe: US$1,768

If you haven’t browsed luxury automaker accessories before, right now you might be thinking “What was Maybach smoking when it decided to market this?” But if you stop to consider how many well-monied Maybach customers might enjoy a little dokha tobacco, you can see where the marque’s coming from (never mind the fact that both Bugatti and Porsche have marketed much more expensive hookahs in the past—the luxury-car substance-inhalation line was crossed long ago).

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Handmade in Germany from a special aluminium alloy, the pipe also comes with a precious calfskin leather pouch. Oh, and of course a miniaturized Maybach badge embedded in it.

Maybach corkscrew by Robbe & Berking: US$500

Hey, don’t go berking at the price of this elegant piece of bar equipment—no one’s getting robbed, here. Your US$500 gets you an extremely high-quality German-made corkscrew crafted out of real silver, vastly superior to any other. Plus, where else can you find a corkscrew with a miniaturized Maybach badge embedded in it?

Maybach ‘The Residence’ dog bag: US$421

How can you look at this fur-trimmed dog bag and not immediately picture a well-manicured poodle poking its head out of the thing? “The Residence” – we suggest you don’t actually let your dog live in it – is lined with a “cosy, genuine lambskin cushion, which can be removed for washing” and which is sure to keep your pupper warm, hanging off your arm, while you strut down Rodeo Drive. Ooh, it even has a modest miniaturized Maybach badge embedded in it!

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Maybach ‘The Generalist’ dressage saddle with bars: US$7,950

You’ll find this one under the Maybach store’s saddlery tab, a custom-fitted piece made from genuine leather that we’re sure outperforms most other saddles (or at least, it should, considering it costs two or three times as much as they do). Alas, we couldn’t find the miniaturized Maybach badge on this one, but then again, we were distracted contemplating other questions, like—how exactly do you throw this thing over the roof of your car?

Tesla Cyberquad for Kids: US$1,900

When you’ve amassed a fan following that sees your cars as more than just mere transportation, you’d be silly to not cash in on that enthusiasm. That’s exactly why Tesla has offered a wide range of merchandise on its website for a long time—the bizarre nature of some of the items, though, you can chalk up to CEO Elon Musk’s weird sense of humour.

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Let’s start things off with a “Cyberquad,” a four-wheeled mini-ATV for ages 8 and up that borrows styling from the company’s forthcoming Cybertruck. With a battery range of 24 km and a top speed of about 16 km/h, the litte ‘quad is, quite simply, something you couldn’t imagine any other automaker offering.

Tesla Cyberwhistle: 410 DOGE (US$48)

Ah, here we are, a perfect example of that aforementioned weird sense of Elon humour. There’s a few levels to this gag: first of all, Tesla’s shop lists the price of this little stainless-steel whistle only in DOGE, a cryptocurrency that gets its name from an internet meme. When the item debuted in November 2021, Musk wrote on Twitter about how people should buy it instead of the US$19 Apple polishing cloth that that company used to include with products free, so it’s a jab at overpriced novelties. (Get it? Because it’s a $5 whistle being sold for almost 10 times as much!)

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But the part’s that really weird – and arguably in very poor taste – is why the automaker marketed a whistle at all. When it first hit the digital storefront, the CEO came right out with the punchline and tweeted “Blow the whistle on Tesla!” He was making a not-so-subtle allusion to the numerous whistleblowers that have spoken out – and continue to speak out – to authorities about alleged labour abuses, environmental waste, and corporate espionage within the company. The product description even explicitly ends with “This does not affect your statutory rights.” Ha, ha?

Tesla decanter: US$150

Like the rest of the Tesla products, this one is, unfortunately, currently out of stock; I’m afraid you’ll have to drink your spirits out of a less-lightning-bolt-shaped vessel in the interim.

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This 750-mL decanter was meant specifically to be paired with another piece of Tesla merch you can no longer get, the automaker’s own branded tequila, which apparently sells out immediately every time it’s listed on the Tesla site. The liquor joins a list of other joke merch you can no longer buy from the EV manufacturer, including booty shorts emblazoned with the phrase “S3XY” on the butt; and a full-fledged questionably-legal flamethrower. Hey, don’t worry, not everything on the Tesla store is sold out: you can still buy this Giga Texas belt buckle to celebrate the location of the company’s new headquarters.

Porsche 911 soundbar: US$4,250

The number of quirky Porsche-affiliated products out there may exceed that of almost rival manufacturer specifically because the German automaker has had since 1972 its own Porsche Design luxury brand, specifically meant to turn out lifestyle items. Its bread and butter is sunglasses, pens, and watches, sure, but occasionally it also turns its eye to things like—audio equipment.

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Speaking of, you better move quickly if you want to get your hands on this Porsche 911 soundbar: the Racing Yellow unit is limited to just 50 examples. It works as a subwoofer extension to offer a 2.1 virtual surround system experience, piped through “an original 911 GT3 exhaust system.” Not looking to spend quite that much? Consider this US$449 wireless speaker instead.

Porsche wine cooler: US$660

Though it’s far from the first automaker to consider repurposing car parts into home décor, Porsche may be one of the more enthusiastic proponents of the art. Consider, for example, this wine cooler constructed out of “an original finned cylinder from the early, air-cooled 911,” which to us feels somehow both innovative yet tacky.

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A small part of us admits we could see this in our home, though. If you’re the same way, just make sure to not accidentally get your Porsche 911 phone-charging piston stuck in the bore.

Porsche oyster knife: US$69

We hate to have to own up to it, but many of Porsche Design’s products actually look really good. Are they a little overpriced? Sure. But I mean, c’mon, this oyster knife – made from Japanese Pure 301 stainless steel – is actually rather elegant. (And are you really shucking your oysters properly if you’re not doing it with a Porsche oyster knife?)

If you spring for one, you’re probably going to wanna get the Porsche Design steak knives, too. Can we just get Porsche Design to do our whole kitchen?

Porsche 911 sculpture: US$18,800

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Okay, so your significant other kibosh-ed the idea of blending the living room and garage, quashing your dreams of parking your GT2 beside your coffee table. The next closest thing might be this piece of bespoke wall art that Porsche is releasing in a limited run of 100 examples, made from “an original chassis part from the [992-gen] Porsche 911 Turbo.” At least it still gives you the chance to polish a fender without leaving the house, right?

If the spouse says that’s still a no-go, this motorsport hood piece takes up a lot less space and is easier on your wallet, to boot. Best of all, you can defend your purchase by explaining it’s quite clearly a work of art—it’s not like we’re talking about some gaudy piece of kitsch like Lamborghini candles or a Bugatti pool table, here, right?